Unstable like the Weather

Unstable. A word that reflects prone to change or failing. The following word has been to describe my health status in the past. I then hear the following word stable within the past few years. “He’s remaining stable.” My mother would ask the doctor, with a distressed voice, “So he’s better now?” The doctor would hesitate, take a pause and say, “He’s stable for now.”

Stable. A word that indicates in the medical community that a person isn’t deteriorating. A word I have been hearing within the past few years. While this status doesn’t mean I am recovered nor healthy, it can be a relief. While levels fluctuate and the future remains unpredictable, I can keep in mind the weather in nature changes in status too.

In my place a week ago, it was snowing in April. I saw the small snowflakes fall while my mind was in shock. The next week, it was eighty degrees and I felt the sun beating on my skin like a tattoo needle. Crazy, right? I keep in mind nothing stays the same. We never know what is coming next. We can’t predict the rest of the day, tomorrow, and the years to come. We only know what is in this moment. Time stays still but our thoughts race like the wind like hurricane weather.

I hear the wind in my ears. The flowers and scenery in my place, The Guilford Woods, is expanding like my sense of knowledge about nature. Nature is filling in the parts of myself that weren’t always secure. I have felt like in past not being so secure with my health and myself, that I wished my body I could cleanse with holy water; maybe if I dived into it that would save me. I’ve found now since diving into nature, if holy water touched my skin now it wouldn’t sink into the pores my skin. Nature has comforted me to make me realize I don’t need saving from someone else. Nature can take put myself back in my body and help me accept me for who I am. I’ve looked for the person I am today for the past twenty-one years. It was like I was desperately looking for a savior. I’ve came to realize I can only save myself.

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